so, this is the new year.

Sat, 01 Jan 2005 04:43:07 GMT

it's the new year, and i'll be sitting alone in my room, drowning out the cacaphony from below with a pair of headphones. i'm not anti-social, i'm just not feeling any vibe of celebration this year. why should a person celebrate when it's the new year, and nothing has changed for the better? i am now thinking that new year's resolutions would be a great tradition to start, because otherwise there won't be a new year. everything will stay the same, and people will still submit to the habbits that that destroy them.

and i'll sit alone forever. i don't want to sit alone forever..

oh boy.

Mon, 25 Oct 2004 19:12:21 GMT

today in english class my teacher chose me to read the narrator part of "the miracle worker." the damned author had to describe hellen "fingering" some object i'm insure of and annie "cocking" her head. so yes, out of my own immaturity and perversion, i couldn't help myself. i sat there, laughing as everyone was real quiet and my teacher was wondering what the fuck was going on in my head. i seriously could not contain myself. my teacher had to continue reading for me.

new york city.

Tue, 12 Oct 2004 03:28:29 GMT

today was the first day that i've ever went to new york city alone. i got on the train and walked about 20 blocks to meet my cousin. we had zen palate, went to some stores, saw the singer of my chemical romance, checked out some hot punk rock boys and went to starbucks. it was a really good time.

before any of this happened, i found out that i have a celebrety look-alike. okay, so what, it's a female.

i was walking down the block and there was a group of black men getting drunk and stoned. after i walked by they were yelling at me "Ayee come back kelly osbourne, i want your autograph!"

kelly

myself

fragments.

Sat, 09 Oct 2004 00:16:20 GMT

the night that i died was the night i realized that i have always been the most powerful person in my life. it was a night of autumn when i went for a walk to my own spot where i was always alone as a human. i say that i was always alone as a human, because the spot was always occupied by crickets and sleeping birds and the breeze of the wind.

i arrived at my spot and thought to myself. i built a ladder to the top of the tallest pine tree. i climed the ladder and stood at the very top branch; the one that you can see pointing upwards. i stood on the top branch. i closed my eyes and let the wind blow through my hair.

at this point i was the most powerful person in the world. i leaned backwards and let my body fall. i was a feather falling through the cool air- gracefully swaying back and forth in the darkness. for a split second, i turned into a brick just so i could hit the ground.

when my body was dead on the ground, it acquired once again the grace it held when it was falling through the air. blood streamed out of my mouth untill it formed a pond for me to float upon.

the sleeping birds awoke. they floated on top of my pond and occasionally pecked at scattered fragments of my skull. they were playful in my blood. the crickets gathered around to sing their songs of mourning. they performed their own death ritual. i became a part of the earth. i was the cement, the broken glass, the dirt and the grass.

in the early morning hours, the sun came up. my blood evaporated into the clouds. the birds flew back into their trees, and the crickets stopped singing.

damn kids.

Sun, 03 Oct 2004 16:52:56 GMT

my parents went away for their anniversary. of course, when your parents go away, you throw a party. i must say the party was amazing, and i was so drunk i was spinning. it was the best and worst time ever, all in one night.

i invited fifteen people. only two of them showed up. madeleine and brittany are cool kids, and they were the only people who actually cared about being there with me.

dan is such a fucking scum bag. i love him so much. i'm just never going to talk to him ever again. he fucked me over one too many times by now. he tells me a week before how this party is gonna be so awesome, he can't wait. so he comes with his friend ryan. he actually only makes it half way down my block before he sees a group of people. instead of even coming to my house or even saying hi, he forgot all about me to go hang out with his other friends. it's such a shame, though. i can't beleive he could still insist that he is my best friend or that he loves me. how could he say that i am first? you don't fuck over a person that you love. definately not 4 or 5 times. so that friendship is over for now, because i'm not going to give energy to care about someone who doesn't give a shit about me. besides, i bore him.

i'm thinking about becoming a recluse. if friends come and go, and if nothing matters in a year or even a few months, then what the fuck is the point in even bothing with people? i'm going to be so alone for a while now.

make my phone ring.

Tue, 28 Sep 2004 23:50:20 GMT

my phone barely ever rings. it makes me happy when i get a call out of no where, so you should definately hit it. 5169729112.

<3

i'm good at not saying what i want to.

Sat, 25 Sep 2004 04:44:33 GMT

the weekends leave me alone; so to kill time that i am alone, i find myself walking around my town at midnight. it's so sad. after walking by myself for a half hour i lay myself on the concrete and stare at the black sky. imagine how great it would be to just get sucked into the sky.. i could watch everyone. i would see all the things people do, and take my mind off myself just not doing anything at all.

my life and the things i do- they're just a waste of time, you know? at one point i think i am progressing, but then i just get back to the beginning. it's like i weave a web of problems or something, and i just get tangled into them. i'm really so good at not saying what i want to. if i wasn't so afraid to say the things i want to, i would most likely be more ahead than behind, and this fucking web would be gone for the most part.

dizzy days.

Mon, 20 Sep 2004 02:05:57 GMT

friday around midnight i decided to meet up with dan and attempt to get drunk. however, two drinks mixed with vodka and a whole bottle of champaigne did nothing. instead we just went to sleep.

the next day i spent a lot more money than i probably should. we walked over to coconuts and bought tickets to see coheed & cambria and underoath in new york. of course i couldn't leave the shopping area without picking up a rilo kiley cd and the newest saves the day release "ups & downs."

after that, we went to the carnival. it rained a little bit, so they closed it down right as we got there. so instead we just walked around with a lot of other people. it was a twist, but not so bad, i suppose. later that night i forced dan to watch my exorcist dvd.

for today, i went to the carnival and actually got a bracelet to go on rides. i must have went on the zipper twenty times. oh, and i also spun the rotating strawberries so hard with all my weight that everyone was forced against the walls. if they tried to lean foward, they would immediately be forced against the walls. it was great. it made me dizzy, though.

so right now my dad is next to me, drunk as hell. he's so loud and annoying, i'm going to sew his mouth shut.

i am so cliché.

Sat, 18 Sep 2004 03:00:30 GMT

right now i feel like i've been hit by a train. this weekend has been filled with nothing but dissapointment and me bitching. i need something good to happen to me. i need some friends who are actually friends. i need friends who will do whatever, whenever.

you know the deal.

Fri, 17 Sep 2004 21:06:14 GMT

you know the deal; forget those who have forgotten you.</font>

i love my new layout.

Fri, 17 Sep 2004 02:13:39 GMT

i love my new layout. thank you frances for hosting the picture. haha, fuck me jesus. fuck me!

brokenxxboy

everything will just fade.

Wed, 15 Sep 2004 01:49:51 GMT

i haven't updated in a while. i was too busy learning some things. for one, i'm not going to lose sleep over some pointless shit. nothing will matter in a year from now. most people and relationships just fade, and that's the sad and blunt truth.

and also from now on i will stop fabricating fantasies. i'm done with creating things that are untrue in my head, because nothing works that way. i don't want to lie to myself.

and finally, enough with the pessimism. i really need to quit this shit.

do you like to hurt?

Thu, 09 Sep 2004 22:30:23 GMT

the second day was not as bad as the first day. today at lunch angie and i did not walk around or stand against the wall. it was not nearly as sad.. so i just took a seat next to my sister and eventually dan (not the one i usually write about) comes and asks to sit next to me. i guess it won't be too bad from now on.

and to make the day great, i went to my 8th period class during 7th period. i actually stayed there for a while. it was kind of embarassing, but still pretty funny.

when i got home the baby was here waiting for me. i told my aunt that i can't babysit, but she doesn't care that i have to do homework for 3 subjects and i have to write an essay. oh well, i think i might pass out in the middle of something later on. i hope i don't have this girl untill 11 o clock. i'll never fucking get my homework done.

Wed, 08 Sep 2004 02:40:47 GMT

i went to the highschool again today and fucked around for two hours.. i got a locker.. number 315. dan, naked boy and i were looking around and trying to memorize where the classes are. it's gonna be pretty awesome this year. i saw angie for the first time since the end of the last school year today <3 she's awesome. i actually have high hopes for the beginning of school and i think it'll be a good year for me.

so on the way home we saw some little kids fighting. there was a little black boy, but with light skin fighting with another little boy. he asked us to get his ball back from the 6 year old girl who stole it from him. then they got into these big thrashing arguments about HE PUSHED ME, SHE SPIT ON ME, SHE'S ALWAYS MEAN TO ME.

so i tell them, "don't fight. be friends. i like to be friends with everyone." and the little 6 year old girl, fucked as it is, says "i don't want to be nice and play with him. he's not even my color!" so in conclusion, all of these little kids are going to hell and it's too late to save them.

i bought two pairs of jeans and a pair of shoes today at the commercial center. i need to get socks, underwear, undershirts and some new hoodies.

x

Sat, 04 Sep 2004 20:49:22 GMT

i saw wicker park last night. i liked it for the most part, but it was confusing at times. there was also a lot of good music in that movie. i'm definately going to buy the sound track..

1. Maybe Tomorrow - Stereophonics
2. Everybody Is Somebody - Lifehouse (exclusive)
3. A Movie Script Ending - Death Cab for Cutie (acoustic version)
4. How to Be Dead - Snow Patrol
5. Lover's Spit - Broken Social Scene
6. Retour A Vega - The Stills
7. Flowers in December - Mazzy Star
8. When the Day is Gone - The Legends
9. When I Goosestep - The Shins (rare non album track)
10. Light Switch - Jaime Wyatt
11. These Days - Mates of State
12. All I Do - +/-
13. We All Have a Map of the Piano - Mum
14. Against All Odds - Postal Service (rare non album track)
15. Strange and Beautiful - Aqualung
16. I Know You Are But What Am I? - Mogwai
17. The Scientist - Johnette Napolitano & Danny Lohner (exclusive)

so today i'm gonna leave and go somewhere that is not new york. i'm probably gonna go to atlantic city in jersey. does anyone know of any fun places to go that is not new york, rather new jersey, pennsylvania or connecticut?

sorry salma i can't watch degrassi with you.. i wanted to!

516 972 9112 give me a call because i won't be home.

whoa

Fri, 03 Sep 2004 23:11:43 GMT

i just realized now that i'm starting school in five days. i still need to go get a locker.

sinse when are cemetaries happening?

Tue, 31 Aug 2004 03:47:45 GMT

during these few days i find it particularly difficult to focus more on what i love than what i hate. However, when i focus on what i love, it just happens to generate more hate. i tend to live in this quixotic world inside of my head. i think, or hope that everything in the future will happen the way i want it to, and people will react as i wish. and i'm just waking up now and realizing that quite frankly,

everything is all in my head
& dying alone is not an option, for anybody.

the block party.

Mon, 30 Aug 2004 03:47:14 GMT

yesterday shelter lane decided to be cool and have a block party. i think it was pretty lame, and i realize now that i hate parties or anything with a party type atmosphere. however, there were a few things that made it cool.. and especially the events several hours after.

things that made the block party worthwhile:

ellen: ellen drove down here from school. i met her friend and room mate jaci for the first time. they were like little kids on the airbounce a few houses away.

sam and madeleine: out of the 6 people i invited only they showed up. we just sat and talked. it started raining when we were sitting in the grass that belongs to a vacant house on the block that was not participating. so we hurried as the rain drops fell onto our bodies and then we went in the house and watched the first scene of a movie.. twice. then they left.

things that made the block party lame:

friends that did not come: that's right, you suck.

the dj: you know, that's just not my thing. plus, he played a decade under the influence by taking back sunday after he played some disco hits or whatever.

drunkeness: well i guess my mom, sister and her friends are not that bad.

ellen left: that's self explanatory.

And the events which followed and saved the night:

Dan, melissa and i walked that busy road entitled "hempstead turnpike" untill we entered that vacant and farmilliar movie theatre. Just then i realized why it was so vacant - they played nothing good at the time.

So instead we ditched the movies and planned on going to blockbuster instead. However, along the way we were enticed by the "open late" sign on the side of the local pizza hut. So dan got his pizza with cheese, i got mine without, and melissa got a small iced tea. So then we take our pizza outside, sit on the lawn and eat. Eventually it's midnight, and we are three corpses laying in front of pizzahut on the grass, deep in conversation. i could have went to sleep, honestly.

of course we all love that feeling, but we get up anyway to head to my house and fall asleep on the deck of my pool. when we arrived at 1:00 in the morning there was still a lot of partying and drunkeness. i would not stay there because remember, i dislike the party atmosphere. instead we went walking and ended up laying down inside the tunnels at the park and talking for a while. afterward we walked to dan's house and i fell asleep around 4 am to a long death cab for cutie playlist.

good times.

yes, it's long. but please read it anyway.
& i do love comments.

tomorrow.

Fri, 27 Aug 2004 19:54:02 GMT

so tomorrow is my block party. if you want to come, you can. it might be fun, or it might just be a disaster. i know that i'm looking foward to it, because my house is really dirty and cluttered right now. of course my mom is going to clean the house like crazy. clutter and dirtiness just makes me really stressed out.

i think i have to take a break from some things for like a week, and fabricate some of my many ideas for photoshop.

bad movie, good time.

Fri, 27 Aug 2004 04:26:15 GMT

so i saw napolean dynamite tonight. it's really not a good movie at all. thanks to some of you people for telling me how it's so great [cough ELLEN]. haha.

there were also six drunk black girls in back of me being annoying. damn those girls were loud and stupid.

tonight & the past few days.

Thu, 26 Aug 2004 05:11:58 GMT

i saw a movie called without a paddle tonight. like it a lot. i originally went there to see the village but we got there (on time, actually) and the woman said she was sorry, the movie accidentally started 15 minutes early. so we ditched that film and saw without a paddle. i'm glad too.. the movie was really good.

so three days ago dan and i got our lips pierced. i have the pictures of mine that i took earlier today before the movie. i'll make him take some in the near future.

and yeah, after three days my lip is still swollen like whoa. i hear it can take about a week to go down.

</p>

Sat, 21 Aug 2004 18:51:32 GMT

i'm going to pennsylvania for a night. i'm going to hershey park. hmm, this shall be fun. sinse this laptop is called travelmate, i might as well bring it with me. it will be iteresting.

i doubt i will have net connection half the time, though.

at the tip of my vocal cords.

Thu, 19 Aug 2004 19:11:58 GMT

some people make me want to scream.

totally shot.

Tue, 17 Aug 2004 15:34:54 GMT

this is the most exhausted i have felt in a very long time. it'll take more than half a day's sleep to recover from this.

yesterday i woke up at 4:00 in the afternoon. at 3:30 in the morning i decide to meet dan. we walk up and down the turnpike, looking for non existent 24 hour stores that would sell hair dye. instead i buy two boxes of unfrosted gelatin-free poptarts. after that we go back to my house and watch donnie darko. then we go to the deli, eat food and go to highschool orientation.

after we departed the school, dan, erik and i go to the dairy mart for them to get food. we see a dog run and then stop at the dairy mart. i realize that it's my mom's friend's dog. so, i pick up the dog and carry it all the way to its home.

now i'm home and i have to babysit at 1:30. i'm gonna try and see if someone can cover for me because i want to go to sleep.

oh, sorry if this post was annoying. i know it's all "and then.. blahblah" like.

a day at the commercial center.

Tue, 17 Aug 2004 05:26:06 GMT

so today at the mall i realized that i am one of the most clumsy people in the world. you probably won't want to go somewhere with me in public. i trip over everything possible. i even almost knocked someone over. :x

i did, however, buy a bright eyes cd. that's always something to be happy about.